On Disagreement
Disagreement can feel quite stressful.
It’s hard to not see eye to eye.
But sometimes it’s just not possible.
Often no one is “wrong”. We are right according to our own perspective.
We have each had an entire life full of experience which has shaped how we perceive life around us. And each have circumstances currently which are shaping how we feel in this moment.
We are a product of all of those feelings combined. Over time. Like water on a river bed.
It’s easy to forget that someone else has an entirely different shape to their river bed than we do. They are at where they are at, and they are not wrong for it. It’s completely understandable. They are doing what they have had to do to survive. Or they are doing what they have learned brings love. We have no idea what they are dealing with. The complexity of their feeling world, shaped by forces and moments completely outside of our knowledge. Of course they are who they are. They are probably a miracle in many ways, which we may or may not be able to see. They are doing their absolute best. And they have their own wisdom that is different than ours.
When feelings and experiences align and there is shared wisdom and relatable experiences, it is so wonderful. Connection. Affection. Comfort. Belonging. Relaxation. Sweetness.
But when the wisdom and experiences don’t align… irritation. Frustration. Misunderstanding. Judgement. Stress. Sadness. Exclusion. Loneliness.
Sometimes those misunderstandings/disagreements just can’t be reconciled. As much as both parties try, sometimes it’s just not going to happen. There are too many complexities at play. Too many years of stories and feelings. We don’t have the time or energy it would take to truly understand the other person, or they us. Or maybe we do, but we or they are not up for it right now. And that’s ok.
So sometimes we just have accept that there are yucky feelings. Even if everyone is right according to their world, and no one is wrong. Sometimes it just sucks and is hard.
That feels harsh. Yes. Sometimes there is nothing we can do to “fix” it.
But I’m learning that sometimes love is counter intuitive.
Sometimes love is not easy. There can be a different, perhaps a slightly bitter flavor to it… the love that is felt in holding the paradox. Holding two things at the same time that seem to not fit together. Yet they are both beautiful art of human life.
To me that feels like holding my hurting heart in the midst of the upset of conflict and misunderstanding.
It’s ok to be right, yet misunderstood.
It’s ok to miss the mark while I’m still learning.
It’s ok for someone to have wisdom I don’t have.
It’s ok for me to have wisdom that others don’t see, understand, or value.
It’s ok to feel angry. It’s ok to feel sad. It’s understandable.
I can still be a beautiful and wonderful person while someone is triggered from their perception of me. I don’t have to prove myself to them.
It’s ok for me to feel triggered by my perception of someone. I don’t need them to change, or to say I’m right, or to feel bad about themselves, or to do anything to make me ‘feel better’.
I can Love, while being neither right, nor wrong. I can love while being both right and wrong. I can be human amongst the beating hearts of all of those precious lives who breath the same air, and walk the same ground as me.