To Grieve Connection
A nameless feeling space.
Where there are no words.
No thoughts.
No logic or limits or reason.
There is only the language of the deepest feeling.
It has a life of itself.
As it rises inside me.
Like a wave, up from the core of the earth.
Sometimes it’s fire, rage, exploding inside me and electrifying the air around me with a screaming insistence, activating the change that MUST take place. To create the space that it needs.
I let it burn.
Sometimes it is heavy water, carrying with it a sorrow which beckons me to jump inside. It is my only choice.
It washes over me.
I let it.
It overtakes me with tears and sounds I didn’t know I could make.
In its decimation of my desire to reason, to understand, to control… it rolls on, allowing me to ride on its back, when I thought surely I would drown without my life vest of certainty.
I ride it on and on.
It washes over me and my tears rush down carelessly onto my clean floor.
It shows me the purity of feeling.
The absolute center.
It is a place of tenderness… where I can see the sweet hands of those who I have shared this life with. They belong to precious people.
We have shared smiles, shared food, shared laughter and silliness. We have shared anger and pain, red hot words, and ice cold silence. We have shared the spectrum of feelings.
I can see their smiles now and hear their laughs. I can see the way they soften in tenderness when they are asleep.
I can see the way they move when awake.
Perfectly, innocently, themselves.
Each of them.
They are so beautiful.
Their hearts can ache as mine does.
Their precious eyes cry and their voices crack. Their bodies feel, as mine does, and this rushing wave can overtake them too. Yet we all fight it.
Perhaps, if we’re lucky, one day we will lose the fight.
And it will show us, itself.
This nameless space of feeling.
We are all the same in this place.
It has a name.
I remember now.
It’s Love.
Thank you Love.
Please, overtake me again.
Help me remember to lose the fight.
You are so worth it.
As am I.